Getting Old Suck--It's a Stampede

Okay...who let the elephant in my house?  It certainly looks like an elephant ankle, the three folds hanging loosely over the knee, threatening to entirely blanket the knee cap.  I don't think I'm an elephant, so someone must have let an elephant in the house.  That must be what I am seeing, because it certainly cannot be on me.

I should be thankful that they are just folds of flesh, and not flesh burgeoning with dimply fat and stretch marks.  Nope.  I just have three folds of loose saggy skin.....but only when I bend over.  Standing up straight, with a little leg flex, I can still make them disappear.  Woo Hoo!  But bending over...uh...nope...toe touches are not in my future.

Gravity may be inevitable, but that doesn't mean I like it.  I do like that gravity keeps my feet grounded, but couldn't it loosen it's tug on the rest of my body?  More and more things, some that once stood upright and perky, now sag, and droop....closer....and closer to the ground.  As my Mother once told me--She used to have boobs, but now they are her belly.  Greaaaat!  This is what I have to look forward to? 

Mom fills me in on all the gory details of menopause, too.  Forewarned is forearmed, right??   Uh....Whatever!  It all sounds pretty dismal to me! I'd like to skip right to the menopause part, you know, the part when it ends!  I'm in beginning stages of peri-pause right now.  Mom's regaling me with menopause horror stories.  Please!  Just cut my uterus out right now and let's get it over with. 

But that still won't stop the rest--the gravity, the aging.  This getting old business sucks. 

I know I'm not alone in this boat.  My friends...people my age....are all complaining about it.  Our bodies are going to hell in a hand basket, bumping hard the whole way.  Yeah, yeah 40's the new twenty....my ass!  Only if you can afford it!  Botox, nips, tucks.  Expensive creams.  You know what I'm talking about.

I'm relatively fit.  I take care of myself.  Olay is my friend!!  (My niece calls it my 'old lady cream'.)  I fight the fight, but in the end....Gravity wins.  Age sets in.  (sigh)

I'm here to tell you right now, though.....I will not grow old gracefully.  I'll grow old kicking and screaming, loudly complaining, the WHOLE time!

Where Are My Fat Clothes?

It's that time of the year again.....time for Fat Clothes!  It happens every year around this time, without fail.  I'll have worked all summer getting in shape.  That tummy pouch will finally have faded, replaced almost visibly with muscle.  I'll be back down to my "Skinny Clothes"--feeling ever so proud of my bad self!  Then....

It starts out slow.  The workouts fall by the way side because school throws off my routine.  Then I hit the Halloween candy--Sweetarts are my weakness, followed a close second by Snickers.  I'm embarrassed to say that I, uh...gorge on Sweetarts.  And those bite sized Snickers...omg...you could eat a hundred before you even realize it.

But things aren't too bad in the clothing department. The skinny jeans are still fitting, at least stretching out comfortably by the end of the day.  Just a little mini-muffin top.  I can catch this.  I think to myself, girl, you need to crunch!  But I don't.  By now I've lost the mojo.

The Thanksgiving celebrations cantor by--pumpkin pie. My oh my!  Sure I'll have another piece!!  That cute little outfit I've picked to wear isn't quite so comfortable anymore.  Looking in the mirror.....Yep--full blown muffins tops!   Skinny jeans are all day tight.

And still to come??  Christmas!!  Baking!  Cookies!  Lots and lots of good food!! 

Definitely time to drag out the 'fat clothes', boxing the skinny jeans away until my mojo returns in April, when I will, once again, work to shed my winter insulation.

Oh wait....I can't do that.  I have no 'fat clothes'.  On the advice of a friend, I gave them all away. 
"If you don't have them, you won't gain the weight back."

She was WRONG!!  I have no clothes that fit!!

So now I'm faced with an interesting dilemma.  Since I refuse to give up my holiday treats--Spritz, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Hay Stacks, among other things--I am left with only two choices. 

I can either exercise.....or......go shopping.

Hummmm.............