I don't like mean people, especially mean little girls who say mean things to my daughter. Makes me want to claw some eyes out. But I can't do that. I am an adult. I must behave like an adult. Hummm...maybe I need to make friends with the school bully?
That's a joke, people. I do not tolerate bullying. Being on the receiving end of bullying myself, I know exactly how it feels and what it can create. It's a lonely feeling. It creates confusion and self doubt. You wonder what it is about you that is so flawed. Speaking for myself, I only wanted people to like me. I'm sure I was mean from time to time, but I was taught the Golden Rule early on. Knowing how I felt when I was being bullied, I never wanted to cause that pain in another. Maybe I'm just weird that way.
My first experience with bullying came in the 2nd grade. Tom Woods. When he wasn't hitting me, he would steal my book bag and drop it down the sewer grate. The school janitor would fish out my murky bag as I stood crying. I think Tom liked to make me cry. I had to deal with him for only 2 years, until we moved when I was in 4th grade.
New Catholic school, new girl trying to fit in with the already established girl cliques. I was at an awkward stage in my development. Coming from fine German stock, add in some prepubescent hormones, one could feasibly say I was 'pleasingly plump'.
Yeah, my Mom told me that when I was 11. Thanks Mom! ;-)
I was kinda quiet and unsure of myself, being the new girl and all. The girls were mean to me--wouldn't include me their games, called me names. I felt very left out and alone. The boys paid me no attention either, being that I was 'awkward'. I felt very misplaced. At the end of the school year, I begged to be allowed to go to public school. I just knew things would be different.
Different....no.....worse.
It started on the school bus and carried on into school. There was one particular girl, Tina What's Her Name, that just had it out for me. No particular reason. I'd never said 'boo' to her. She lived in my subdivision, so we rode the same bus. I constantly heard how fat and ugly I was, how nobody liked me. Now if I could be described as pleasingly plump......Tina could most certainly be described as the plumpest of the plump. She was twice my size! Even then I had a 'figure', she was just round!
Tina would often take things from me as we rode the bus. Candy, pencils, books--whatever. The candy she would later pass around the to our classmates, a gift from her. Anger welled in me, but I knew better than to unleash. Mom and Dad said I could never start a fight, but I could finish one--meaning I couldn't hit first, but I was allowed to hit back. Since Tina never 'hit me', I felt there was nothing to be done. My anger and frustration often turned to tears. This gave her power.
In addition to Tina What's Her Name, Michelle So and So was an additional thorn in my side. One particular instance that is forever burned in my brain, is of Michelle, along with the entire 5th grade class (or so it seemed at the time) backing me around the playground, threatening to 'beat me up'. It was a very traumatic event for me. I probably still need some therapy. ;-)
One of Michelle's 'friends' took her comb out of her back pocket. That was 'the thing' back then in the 70's--carrying a big comb in your back pocket. It made you very cool! Her friends then began playing "Keep Away" from Michelle, tossing the comb across the Merry-Go-Round, back and forth. Then.... the comb came my way......I caught it..........hesitated.
Ummm...I was there to make friends, certainly not enemies. (Remember that whole "I just want everyone to like me" bit?) I am not mean by nature, unless provoked, and then I can unleash like a Spider Monkey. But... I wanted friends. So....I tossed the comb in Michelle's direction.
Now I ask...is it my fault that she didn't catch the comb before it fell into the muddy little puddle? Uh, I think not! Unfortunately, Michelle and I did not see eye to eye on this issue. I still say it was a pretty good toss!!
She came at me, fists balled up, urging her friends to join her. I felt certain that I could 'take' Michelle. I wasn't a 'little' girl, actually quite strong; I wasn't about to let anyone beat me up. But taking on the whole 5th grade class? I just knew I couldn't handle that. They would kill me!! And then my Mom would kill me--for fighting! I was more afraid of my mother, I think. I just kept backing up, keeping a safe enough distance between myself and the gaggle of kids. It seemed as if hours had passed (though I'm sure it was only minutes), when finally the bell rang. Recess was over! Saved by the bell.
Afterward, in addition to taunts of being fat and ugly, now I was a scaredy cat, too. Okay..yeah, it scared me, all those kids coming at me with those menacing looks on their faces. It was a cornerstone on which I've built my self doubt.
There are more instances of me being bullied, until I finally stood up for myself. That's another story for another time.
I've taught my children tolerance, respect, and acceptance of others. They have been on the receiving end of a bullies. I've given them the tools to handle the nasty little beasts. I follow my parents tenant--You can't start a fight, but you can finish one." If words don't work....well...... The only way to stop a bully is to stand up for yourself. If you let them know you're not going to put of with their crap, usually the bully will leave you alone. Sadly, he will search out another victim until he finds someone who will take his crap. Bullish behavior must be dealt with in the home. The bully's parents must take some responsibility for their child's behavior. Likely there are deeper issues..
I don't understand how cutting another person down or beating on them can make anyone feel better about themselves, but that's the case with bullies. They have low self-esteem ? Guess they want someone to feel worse than they do? Or maybe they're trying to be 'cool' in the eyes of their peers? I don't know, but I just don't get it. I never have.
Maybe I'm a little naive--quaint--but I would so much rather raise some one up than to cut them down. It takes just as much energy to say a kind word as an unkind one. And really, in the end, you feel pretty good about yourself, too. Now there's a win/win!
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